Written by Brittany of BBX
My second pregnancy ending in a miscarriage was the last thing on my mind when I saw the two lines appear across my pregnancy test. We were not planning a pregnancy but weren’t really doing much to avoid it being newlyweds. I was working at a pregnancy center at the time so randomly peeing on a stick was like weekly drug testing for my coworkers and I. Even those that were not sexually active participated…. I mean why not, we witnessed bizarre conceptions regularly. It had been seven years since the birth of my first child and with all the knowledge I had I still somehow compartmentalized miscarriages for first pregnancies only.
I was ecstatic for this new pregnancy and life joining our family. The changes are happening so quickly in my body. My breasts were double the size, my nipples were darker. I felt so complete and purposeful. I immediately cut out alcohol, made changes to my diet and decided not to get my nails done for a while . My body was only 6 weeks pregnant but my mind was attending my unborn child’s wedding. I told everyone I was expecting.
A few weeks after I woke up feeling “ normal “ again. Something wasn’t right, I knew it in my gut. I told my husband I didn’t feel pregnant anymore. At work I asked my coworker to perform an ultrasound. She gave me an inconclusive, 50/50, no answers report. She saw the pregnancy but no heartbeat. Maybe my LMP was off and it was to early, maybe I was having a miscarriage, maybe I was one of those cases that was just miraculously unexplained. Time held all of my answers hostage. A week later i discovered my outcome miscarriage.
During a busy day at work, I finally made my way to the restroom. Quickly going through the motions I looked down to find a bit of blood in underwear. My heart dropped and I panicked. I called my husband and we made our way to the hospital. The doctor confirmed that I was indeed having a miscarriage and sent us home. My mind understood completely what was taking place but my heart was at a standstill. Upon leaving the hospital we decided to stop at our favorite restaurant. I made a joke about being about to drink and ordered a margarita.
With the first sip I completely fell apart and continued to for the next week or so. It seemed the more I convinced myself into believing miscarrying wasn’t my fate, the faster and heavier the flow of blood became. By the time the cramping kicked in my hope was exhausted. I was on my final round of blood testing when my midwife told me that my body had let go of the pregnancy and maybe I should as well. Immediately my perspective changed and I began to let go and start the healing process.
Years later one evening I noticed that I had no memory of the pregnancy that came and went. It was like that experience crashed upon me and disappeared just as quickly as a wave. I had all of my other pregnancies displayed but the most important was hidden. We had a piece of art commissioned to memorialize the pregnancy that did not result in a baby. My breasts were huge, my nipples were dark, the changes happened in my body so quickly. The miscarriage I experienced was powerful in every way, and I am forever changed because of its occurrence.
If you or someone you love are experiencing miscarriage, preparing for a D&C or need support reach out to a full spectrum doula or bereavement doula for support and guidance
Here are a few links that you might find helpful:
Are you a full spectrum doula / bereavement doula? Join our network. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdqflSx4YQJE9Lx6A7Fql_7Rmi6NtXK9zU19pbu1WrE7C0DEQ/viewform
Unspeakable Losses: Healing From Miscarriage, Abortion, And Other Pregnancy Loss” by therapist Kim Kluger-Bell provides stories of women who have experienced pregnancy loss, as well as mourning rituals, practical advice, and resources to help with healing.